ON FINDING the words I was looking for
I was cleaning up my desktop (which happens about once a year) and I found this little text file containing what I can only describe as an awkwardly raw outpouring of loss and empowerment via the medium of…Facebook.
Deep in a phase of learning (and unlearning) through intense coaching, counselling and a LOT of kitchen dancing I sat down and bashed out every. single. thing. I was feeling, and then in a rush of heady self-confidence I shared it on my personal Facebook page.
It felt bold AF.
I remember thinking people might laugh at me, or roll their eyes, or cringe. And I remember thinking I didn’t really care, because I would rather do what felt right for me in that moment then live my life worrying about unseen judgements on the other end of a screen.
I got some lovely comments from the people who always seem to get it.
And then I forgot about it completely.
Recently, I’ve been looking for the words that really underpin why I am a creativity coach. I’ve found a few quotes that I will share eventually, but it felt strange using the words of others to try and articulate this thing that is so important to me.
And then I found these words from the pivotal point in 2021 when I began to see that I might just maybe have something I could share with others.
Some of it doesn’t work for me anymore.
There was one line I took out: ‘you can make something good out of hard things’.
Because why I do in many ways believe that - especially if I see it within the context of finally giving myself permission to let go of the pain I had learned to wrap around myself to stay safe, and feel it was safe to grow - there are too many nuances in this idea I can’t articulate with my pretty basic poetry skills. There are undertones of toxic positivity, and the pressure to turn every painful experience into a part of our heroes journey, which I don’t feel comfortable with.
But I still like the rest.
I think sometimes these things can seem like instructions to others…or lessons I feel I must share.
But this isn’t. I wrote these words to myself, and I shared them for myself as a kind of public declaration that I was officially going to embrace being ‘too much’ for many people and full of contradictions, because that hurt less then pretending to be someone I wasn’t. (i.e. being someone who doesn’t understand small talk, and is incapable of holding a 10 minute conversation without bringing up their deepest fears and biggest dreams, yet will also embrace the silly and the playful whenever possible.)
But of course, if these words resonate with you, they are for you too.
It felt uncomfortable putting them in Canva, coating them with the sheen of social media wisdom, but I guess these micro poems are how we share what matters to us now.
And I do like the idea to sharing the random outpourings of my brain. It makes me consider them more thoughtfully, it brings up new questions, and maybe they will find someone who needs them.
Lessons I am learning:
You can be deeply thoughtful and you can be light and silly.
You can be hardworking and make time to rest and play.
You can be in a daily battle with the sad and the anxiety, but sometimes you want to dance and sing and feel joyful and both are real.
You can want to help the world but need time to heal yourself.
You can be learning how to draw out your courage and still be terrified.
You be stronger then you have ever been but feel so vulnerable it's raw and painful.
You can carry the pain of rejection with you every day and still find people who will love you.
You can be completely misunderstood and that's ok, because you don't need that person to understand you.
You don't have to be liked by everyone. Some people don't like you, but that's ok because you don't like some people either.
You can change, and you can change your mind, and you can make mistakes, and you can realise it wasn't what you really wanted after all, and you can make something good out of hard things.
Because you are a beautiful, limitless being and your potential is endless.
And in those last lines I feel like I found - at least some part - the words I was looking for to summarise what is at the core of my choice to step away from selling my work, and step into the (often intimidating, imposter syndrome triggering, exciting, and scary) shoes of someone who calls herself a creativity coach.
Some days I feel like all I say over and over again is….
You can change, and you can change your mind, and you can make mistakes, and you can realise it wasn't what you really wanted after all.
Because you are a beautiful, limitless being and your potential is endless.
Not because you should hustle, or burn out, or any of that rubbish the internet feeds us. But because you can probably only see a fraction of how amazing you are on any given day.
Those are the words I most needed to hear I think.
Speak to you soon lovelies, Ellie x